her vagina looked like bernie madoff
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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