I accidentally burped into my bong.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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