Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
