in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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