in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
