I am spending my child support on dildos
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I deserve this hangover.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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