Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
