dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
