hell yes lets make some ravioli
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
