Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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