I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
