There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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