shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
