then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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