every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
