Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize