It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
