so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
