So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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