The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
