you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
