Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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