How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
