im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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