I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
