guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
