Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize