dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
