so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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