So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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