My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
