Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
