He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
