That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
