I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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