I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Drake has all the answers
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
