He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
