Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
