we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize