woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
