they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
