Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
