Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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