His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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