I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
