can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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