Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
