Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
