Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
