K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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