Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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