I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
