the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Someone shit on the floor
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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