Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
