Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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