The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
