So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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