it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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